Clean Jokes for 9-Year-Olds
193 free, clean jokes hand-picked for 9-year-olds: nine-year-olds want jokes with an edge of cleverness. Tap any joke to reveal the punchline.
Sports Jokes (7)
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing. They fast.
Why do bowling pins have such a hard life?
They’re always getting knocked down.
Why were bikes suspended from school?
They spoke too much.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
What baseball player has the shortest commute?
The catcher, he works from home
Superhero Jokes (5)
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snapchat
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much as a kid?
He was a little Thor.
What did Aquaman say to his kids when they wouldn’t eat their food?
"Water you waiting for?"
What’s Superman’s favorite drink?
PUNCH
What do you call a girl who stands inside goalposts and stops the ball rolling away?
Annette
Jokes About Jobs (15)
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
"Freeze. You’re under a vest."
Why can’t you trust zookeepers?
They love cheetahs.
What’s a king’s favorite kind of weather?
Reign.
How did the barber win the race?
He knew a shortcut.
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
Why did the phone go to the dentist?
It had a blue tooth.
Where does a king keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
How do pilots like their sandwiches?
Plane
What do Ninjas eat for lunch?
Kung-food.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
He wanted to win the No-bell prize.
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
Because it had a virus.
Why do nurses carry red markers?
In case they need to draw blood
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue
Ocean & Pirate Jokes (16)
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
What’s a ship that never sinks?
Friendship!
What do you call a sad fish?
A frownder
What lies at the bottom of the ocean, worrying?
A nervous wreck.
What is the most popular fish in the ocean? The starfish
The starfish
What kind of money do mermaids use?
Sand dollars
Why are pirates pirates?
Because they Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Why couldn’t the 11yr old get into the pirate movie?
Because it was rated Arrrrrrrrrrr
What’s a pirate’s favorite fast food restaurant?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrby’s
What’s a pirate’s favorite class in school?
Arrrrrt class!
What do you call a pirate with 8 eyes?
A Piiiiiiiirate.
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A BUCK-aneer.
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
How do modern-day pirates keep in touch?
SEA-mail.
Why did the crab cross the road?
It didn’t, it used the sidewalk
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes
Animal Jokes (46)
Why did the Daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish.
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
Where do cows go on Dec. 31st?
A moo year’s eve party
What did the mother elephant say to her kids when they weren’t behaving?
"Tusk, tusk."
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "P" is silent.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump!
What do you call a cow that can’t moo?
A milk dud
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies
Where should a dog never go shopping?
A flea market
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish
What happened after the shark got famous?
He became a starfish.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward?
A receding hare-line
What did the duck say to the comedian?
"You quack me up."
What do cats wear to bed?
Paw-jamas
What did the hungry dalmatian say when he had some kibble?
"That hit the spot!"
What do you call a dog in the winter?
A chili dog!
What is the dog’s favorite button on a remote?
Paws
What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound!
What’s a cat’s favorite color?
Purrrrr-ple
Why are cats so good at video games?
Because they have nine lives.
What state has a lot of dogs and cats?
Pets-sylvania
What time do ducks wake up?
At the quack of dawn
How does a cow do math?
With a cow-culator
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slowpoke.
What animal needs to wear a wig?
A bald eagle
Why are frogs so happy?
They eat what bugs them.
What do you get when a cow laughs?
A milkshake
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers to pick with!
How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut.
What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts
What happened when the owl lost her voice?
She didn’t give a hoot.
How do you help an injured pig?
Call a hambulance.
What do you call a snake on a building site?
A boa constructor.
How do you hide an elephant?
You ever see an elephant with pink toenails? See? It works!!
What do you call a cow without a map?
Udderly lost!
Why do ducks make good detectives?
They always quack the case!
do you know where to find a zebra?
AFTER Y, BRA!
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers
What do you call an owl babysitter?
Hootin’ Nanny!
How do you clean a pig’s feet?
Use Ham Sanitizer
What does a panda use to cook pancakes?
A pan. Duh!
What do you call and alligator who’s good at finding locations on a map?
a Navigator
What kind of TV do cows like to watch?
CaBULL
Why does a cow wear a bell?
Because it’s horns don’t work!
Nature Jokes (11)
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Why are spiders great web developers?
They like finding bugs.
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk!
Why kind of bug is in the FBI?
A SPY-der.
Why did the garden feel overcrowded?
There wasn’t mushroom.
Which dinosaur had the best vocabulary?
The thesaurus
How much do rainbows weigh?
Not much, they’re actually pretty light
How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood?
It has a rough bark
What is the smartest insect?
A Spelling Bee
What’s a bugs least favorite vegetable?
Squash
Food Jokes (23)
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
What do you call a retired vegetable?
A has-bean
Where do hamburgers go dancing?
A meatball
Don’t leave any food around your computer.
It takes a lot of bytes.
What’s the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth
How did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
Have you heard the rumor about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t be spreading it.
Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition?
Because it was cultured.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel!
What did the egg say to another egg?
"Have an eggselent day!"
Why was the cookie sad?
Because his mom was a wafer so long
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race?
"Ketchup!"
When do you go in red and stop on green?
When you are eating a watermelon.
What vegetables do librarians like?
Quiet peas
Do you stir your hot cocoa with your right hand or your left?
Neither. I use a spoon.
What happens when you give cows lemons?
They make lem-moooo-nade!
What happens to eggs when you look at them?
They get egg-sighted
Why did the coffee call the police?
It got mugged
Space Jokes (7)
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
Why does the moon say she doesn’t want to eat?
She’s full.
What do you do when you see a spaceman?
Park your car, man.
What should you do when you see a green alien?
Wait until it’s ripe!
What did Venus say to Saturn?
"Give me a ring sometime!"
Why did Luke Skywalker always sleep with the light on?
He was afraid of the Darth.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side
Holiday Jokes (12)
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music
Why are ghosts such bad liars?
You can see right through them.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws
Who delivers Christmas presents to dogs?
Santa Paws
Why did the ghost starch his sheet?
He wanted everyone to be scared stiff.
What’s the ghost’s favorite thing about Thanksgiving dinner?
The grave-y
How does a vampire start a letter?
Tomb it may concern…
What is a witch’s favorite school subject?
Spelling
If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring?
Pilgrims!
How do you know Santa is good at karate?
He has a black belt
Where do werewolves buy their Christmas gifts?
Beast Buy
Body & Anatomy Jokes (4)
Why can’t your hand be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
What did one DNA strand ask the other DNA strand?
"Do these genes look OK?"
What can smell without a nose?
A fart
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom
More Jokes (34)
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
If you take your watch to be fixed, make sure you don’t pay upfront.
Wait until the time is right.
What did the traffic light say to the car?
"Don’t look. I’m about to change."
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
What happened with the kidnapping situation in the park?
They woke him up.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
The same middle name.
I spent five minutes fixing a broken clock yesterday.
At least, I think it was five minutes…
What’s green, has six legs, and if it drops out of a tree onto you will kill you?
A pool table
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A Toothpaste Tuba
Why should you never trust stairs?
They’re always up to something.
What do you call a student who doesn’t like math class?
Calcu-hater
Why is it OK if you forget how to make a boomerang on Instagram?
It will come back to you.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
What always comes at the beginning of a parade?
The letter "P"
What do knights do when they are scared of the dark?
They turn on the knight light!
Why did the man get hit by a bike every day?
He was stuck in a vicious cycle.
What kind of driver never gets a ticket?
A screwdriver
Why can’t you put two half dollars in your pocket?
Two halves make a whole(hole) and your money will fall out!
Which country’s capital has the fastest growing population? Ireland. The capital is Dublin every day
Ireland. The capital is Dublin every day
What did 20 do when it was hungry?
28.0
What US state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-soda
What do you call a company that makes products that are just OK?
A satisfactory
What color is the wind? Blew
Blew
Why is the Lego store always crowded?
People are always lined up for blocks
What’s the best part of any house?
I don’t know for sure, but the ceiling is definitely up there
Why did they call it the "Dark Ages?
" Because it had the most Knights.
Who built King Arthur’s round table for his knights?
Sir Comference
Where do warewolves go to make movies?
HOOOWWLLLywood!
Why did the robot go on a summer holiday?
He needed to recharge his batteries.
How did the baby tell her mom she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
Riddles & One-Liners (13)
So a mushroom walks into an ice cream parlor and the server says to the mushroom, "We don’t serve your kind here!" To which the mushroom replies, "Hey c’mon man I’m a fungi!"
A magician was talking down the street, and turned into a supermarket.
So a ship carrying red paint containers crashes into a ship carrying blue paint containers. Hundreds of sailors were marooned.
If your Aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
Antelope.
I heard a rumor about butter, but I don’t want to spread it
I had a joke about paper today, but it was tearable
A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica, $3.75 in Bermuda, and $3.00 in the Bahamas. Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
just bought a set of wind chimes. So far it’s been a pretty sound investment
Bacon, eggs, and pancakes walk into a restaurant. The waitress says "I’m sorry, we don’t serve breakfast here.
Time flies like an arrow. 🏹 Fruit flies like a banana
Guy walks into a doctors, with a grape up each nostril and a banana sticking out each ear. The doctor says "Well I can see straight away your not eating properly
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.
The Best Jokes Every 9 Year Old Should Know
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